You survived a narcissistic mother be kind to yourself

You survived a narcissistic mother be kind to yourself

Whilst many people have Narcissistic triats only a select few are true narcissists right down to the bone. In this day and age, with the social media boom, narcissism is in our culture. 

What happens when your own parent/s have this personality trait? How is your life affected?

To outsiders, your parent/s portray the perfect image always looking to please and juggling everything with ease. They are probably social magnets who attracts people from all walks of life.

Behind closed doors, all pretence falls always and only YOU,  their child knows what it’s like to endure a relationship that’s anything but the norm. Only you know and understand what it’s like to be parented by a narcissist.

physical boundaries are not kept and emotional boundaries are not respected.

Why am I writing this? Because I was raised within a narcissistic household and until recently I was in complete denial about our relationship.

Narcissism
NPD definition, symptoms and causes.

Common personality traits some of these may or may not affect/affected you.

  1. Your Mother is easily offended, claiming that she has done so much for you. (This is your mother! you shouldn’t be made guilty for when she helps you out & she shouldn’t hold it against you in the future)
  2. Your mother is highly opinionated & always blasting people.
  3. Your mother tends to make you feel anxious, a visit will likely leave you on edge.
  4. She lacks insight into her behaviour, downplaying her actions and will not tolerate criticism, however mild.
  5. Your mother fights to win, taking zero prisoners along the way.
  6. She brings most conversations back to herself. The world revolves around her / owes her a favour.

One thing I did notice was the constant invalidation, that no matter what I did or said, it did not matter. Even if one family member agreed with me or backed me up even for the slightest second and that was rare, she seemed to always make sure that this would end no matter how petty of a matter it was. Any rebellion was quashed and any alliance with me, was to be prevented….whenever we get into an argument with each other, she involves a third person into the conversation. The third person of the conversation will be brought in as support for her. Bringing a third party as a witness who has already been convinced of her point of view. This is known as triangulation

Narcissism My brief Story

Today I don’t have a relationship with my Mother I haven’t for almost two years. There’s no use, She’ll twist everything and try to manipulate the truth. To the world, my mother isn’t the nicest person (trust me people will always agree she’s fiesty & a loose cannon) but she sure can play a good part. She’s manipulated family members into going no contact with me and has isolated me. Everything she does is deniable. There is always excuses or explanations for how she behaves. Criticism and slander are slyly disguised as concern. To outsiders She only wants what is best for me or only wants to help me and then I’m made to look cruel for not accepting.

She would undermine me by picking fights or being especially unpleasant for example, Shortly after Olivia was born She was taken to NICU a few friends and family would come and visit. One particular day a friend of mine who I’ve known since toddler ages came to visit, As you can imagine I wasn’t the best of company during those early days I’m not going to justify my attitude because until you’re in that situation you will never 100% understand. However, my friend was comforting me the best she could & Commented how upset and stressed I seemed. My mother huffed and replied “What does she have to be stressed about, she’s just being fucking moody” As you can imagine I had no strength to reply but thankfully my friend pointed out I had just had an Emergency section & my daughter had been born 3 months premature so I had plenty to be stressed about. If memory serves me correctly my mum stropped off to the waiting room.

Narcissism

What can you do?

You have to be honest with yourself to heal. Here is another post I wrote and ways to help you cope.

Learn as much as you can about Narcissism and go from there you need to make a decision to keep your relationship or walk away. Just remember the narc parent sees no wrong in their behaviour and subsequently will never change.

If you can’t beat ’em join ’em

NO this is never the answer your looking for! I know first hand it’s easy to use this as a coping mechanism, over the years I turned into a horrible person myself I would hurl insults, put others down and it took for me to distance myself from my mum to see I did this and to see this wasn’t the type of person I wanted to be. It was something I did as a survival tactic!

People will think how can you write this?, I can write this because this is my truth, for years I’ve had to cover and portray I was the bad person so people didn’t see the real her. This is why I’m so happy to be free, I’m so careful about what energy I have around me, only good people with good hearts share my energy on a regular basis.

You are allowed to terminate your relationship with toxic family members. You’re allowed to walk away from people who hurt you. You are allowed to be angry but address it as it will be your burden, not theirs.

Remember you don’t owe anyone an explanation for taking care of YOU.

Nx 
 

  • Lia Be

    Wow this post really opened my eyes, I’m speechless. How do I get in contact with you, as I’m real interested in this.

  • Elizabeth Hisle

    This is exactly my mother. I cut her off a couple of months ago and noticed a lot of my depression and anxiety drastically lessen during that time. Never keep someone toxic around – even if they are family.

    • Thank you for taking time & reading this! I always say if this person wasn’t family would you allow them to treat you this way? If the answer is no don’t just put up with it. Yes I have to agree since cutting contact my anxiety has reduced dramatically! Watch out for narcissistic amnesia, since sharing this I’ve seen horrible posts about my mental health & how could I possibly write something so horrible. No denial just anger that I’ve publicly opened up.

  • Christina Amore

    I can identify with this on so many levels!! I too have no relationship with my Mother. If you ever want to chat, let me know!

    • Thank you so much I appreciate that more than you know!

  • Caroline

    Such an honest post – you’ve done so well to break away, lots of best wishes for your future x

  • Ritu Kaur BP

    I can totally understand why this may have caused problems when you posted it but it’s an important you. How scary is it that I see bits of me as a mum in your description of a narcissistic mum! Cue me changing things about myself!

    • One thing I learnt through research is a narcissist will never acknowledge the problems so the fact you have acknowledged them you shouldn’t worry as you can easily change

  • Peabody Amelia

    Love the line we do not owe anyone an explanation for taking care of ourselves. Period. What do they say about someone drowning – yes to helping but you can’t let them pull you under also. Thank you for your honesty – appreciated and needed.

  • Angela Noel

    Thank you for having the courage to acknowledge that we do only what we know how to do. When the examples we have are of disrespecting others and aggressively seeking attention, that’s what we do, too. For you to recognize that in yourself and decide to change–then go on a journey to share as you continue to develop and change is a brave and scary thing to do. It doesn’t sound even remotely easy, but it’s important to keep learning and staying open to what your heart is telling you. I recognized in myself that I coped with situations in ways I saw my parents cope. They would tell stories of hard days at work and terrible people and I thought this was what adults did–tell stories about the bad things that happen to them. When I realized as an adult that this wasn’t a practice that would lead to happiness–my own or anyone else–I had to change. My story is nowhere near as painful as yours sounds, but I wanted you to know you’re definitely not alone. All of us need to make our own way, deciding what parts of our upbringing we want to keep and what parts we need to throw away. Kudos to you.

  • Wow. I’m so sorry you had to go through this, but it sounds like you’re definitely healing. Thanks for sharing your story.

  • Gloria McBreen

    Gosh that was a very difficult life for you. I think you are amazing for writing this post and I truly hope that you felt brilliant after writing it. I have no doubt that this will help so many people who were/are in a similar situation.
    Take care of yourself now and if being a better person means avoiding toxic family members, so be it. Well done!